the elephant in the room!
I can still remember how embarrassed I felt when a peer of mine phoned me to talk to me about a member of my team. To cut a long story short, this team member was not performing and I was not addressing it.
I’d recently been promoted into a more senior role and it wasn’t even like this was my first leadership position. I was heading up a function that was spread across the UK and this team member was looking after a territory that was hundreds of miles from where I was based. This was the rationale I used to justify the lack of performance feedback that I had given him but with more than 20 years of hindsight, I can see that this was nothing more than an excuse.
So what was really stopping me? Well, I think it was because I thought he was a great guy and I accepted all his “reasons” for not achieving some of his results rather than seeing it for what it was….lack of capability blended with a healthy dose of lack of will. After all, for him, his line manager (ME! ) was hundreds of miles away and she’s so nice, he thought, “She’ll never challenge me!” And to start off with, he was right!
I think the most embarrassing reflection is the fact that given the situation, my new peer group were actually questioning MY capability and willingness! The irony! Everyone could see it and I was not addressing the elephant in the room! He was underperforming.
So I learned the hard way and I learned fast. I learned a useful framework, I gathered the facts and I even wrote down word for word the conversation that I need to have. On the plane journey to meet up with this person I practiced the words inside my head many times and despite still feeling slightly nauseous, I knew it was the right thing to do - for him, for the rest of the team, for the business and for my credibility!
There are several reasons why a leader may not wish to tackle the tough conversations; my experience is just one possibility. I share it because I want you to know that having a crucial conversation is a skill to learn just like many other leadership skills. With support and practice, you can master it and everyone will thank you for it! You will also be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you’ve done the right thing.
As for my team member – well, there is no fairy tale ending. This isn’t a Disney movie. The tough conversations had to get tougher and more frequent. They escalated from informal to formal and in the end, we parted ways. There was no bitterness. I worked through each stage with a mentor who guided me through the stages and importantly, I did not lose my personality as we went through the months. I could still be empathetic and kind, I just needed to tell him the truth and support him with the gaps in his skills and knowledge. The fact that he didn’t want to learn those skills, or do what was required of him in the role, was his choice and it was he who made the decision to leave.
Does any of this resonate with you? Many of us have been there. But let me tell you, avoiding these “crucial conversations” is like trying to fix a leaky roof with a teacup – it’s just going to get worse, and everyone will end up wet.
In this blog, we're diving deep into why mastering these tricky talks isn't just a good idea, it's essential for any leader who wants to build a thriving team and a successful business.
Let's face it, we often shy away from these conversations because they feel uncomfortable. We might worry about hurting feelings, causing conflict, or just making things awkward. But what happens when we don't have them? The elephant (that everyone can see) just keeps getting bigger!
Think about it:
Performance dips: That small issue you ignored? It's now a full-blown problem, impacting team morale and productivity.
Resentment brews: Unspoken frustrations fester, leading to a toxic atmosphere and people looking for the exit door.
Decisions are delayed or poor: Without honest input, you're flying blind, making choices that might not be in the best interest of the team or the business.
Innovation stalls: If people can't openly challenge ideas or give candid feedback, new ideas get stifled.
One of my favourite voices on this topic is Kim Scott, author of "Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity." Scott argues that the best leaders are those who care personally and challenge directly. This isn't about being mean; it's about being clear and constructive because you genuinely want to see people succeed.
She talks about four quadrants:
Radical Candor: The sweet spot. You care deeply about the person and are willing to tell them when they're off track. Think of it as tough love, Scottish style – firm but fair.
Obnoxious Aggression: Challenging directly but without caring personally. This is just being a bully, and nobody wants that.
Ruinous Empathy: Caring personally but not challenging directly. This is where we often fall, avoiding tough conversations because we don't want to upset anyone. But by doing so, we're actually doing them a disservice.
Manipulative Insincerity: Neither caring nor challenging. The worst of the bunch, often involving backstabbing and passive aggression.
Radical Candor is all about having those crucial conversations early and often. It's about creating a culture where feedback is a gift, not a weapon. If you wait until a performance review to drop a bombshell, you've missed countless opportunities to help someone improve.
I absolutely love this book and highly recommend it – its also featured as one of our book reviews. Take a look!
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Tackling the Tricky Bits
Now, let's turn to the absolute goldmine that is "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High" by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler.1 This book is also a fantastic resource for anyone who wants to navigate high-stakes, high-emotion conversations with skill and confidence.
They define a crucial conversation as one where:
Opinions vary: You and the other person don't see eye-to-eye.
Stakes are high: The outcome could have significant consequences.
Emotions run strong: Feelings are involved, making it harder to think clearly.
Their key takeaway is that when emotions are high, our natural tendency is to "fight or flight." We either clam up and avoid the issue, or we lash out. Neither of these approaches leads to productive outcomes.
Instead, they advocate for creating a "mutual purpose" and a "safe space" for dialogue. This involves:
Starting with heart: Being clear about your intentions and what you want for yourself, the other person, and the relationship.
Learning to look: Recognising when conversations are turning crucial and people are shutting down or becoming aggressive.
Making it safe: Establishing a climate of mutual respect and psychological safety. This means showing that you care about their concerns and that it's safe for them to express their views.
Stating your path: Clearly and respectfully explaining your observations and concerns without making accusations.
Exploring others' paths: Actively listening and encouraging the other person to share their perspective.
Moving to action: Once everyone feels heard, agreeing on clear actions and follow-up.
It’s about moving from a debate to a dialogue, where information is shared freely and everyone feels heard. This isn't just about problem-solving; it's about strengthening relationships and building trust.
The Grim Reality: What Happens When UK Businesses Don't Give Feedback
Now, for some hard facts that should make any leader take notice. A lack of effective performance feedback isn't just an abstract problem; it has tangible, negative impacts on UK businesses.
Recent surveys and reports highlight some concerning trends:
Employee Disengagement: A study by Gallup found that only 13% of employees worldwide feel engaged at work, with a significant factor being a lack of regular, constructive feedback. In the UK, this translates to billions of pounds in lost productivity annually.
High Staff Turnover: Research by YouGov indicated that a primary reason for employees leaving their jobs in the UK is a lack of development opportunities and poor communication from management. When feedback is absent, employees feel undervalued and see no path for growth, leading them to seek opportunities elsewhere. The cost of replacing an employee in the UK can range from a few thousand to tens of thousands of pounds, depending on the role.
Decreased Productivity: A report by the CIPD (Chartered Institute of Personnel and Development) frequently points to the direct correlation between effective performance management (which includes regular feedback) and increased productivity. When employees don't know where they stand or how to improve, their output inevitably suffers.
Poor Innovation: Without a culture of open feedback, employees are less likely to share new ideas or challenge the status quo, stifling innovation that is crucial for business growth and competitiveness in the UK market.
Mental Health Impact: The absence of feedback can lead to anxiety and stress for employees who are unsure if they are meeting expectations. This can contribute to increased sick leave and a general decline in mental well-being, another significant cost for UK businesses.
These aren't just numbers; they represent real people feeling unheard, undervalued, and ultimately, moving on. As leaders in the UK, we can't afford to ignore these statistics.
So what?
Holding crucial conversations isn't about being a hard-nosed boss; it's about being an effective, empathetic, and ultimately, successful leader. It’s about building trust, fostering growth, and ensuring your team and your business flourish.
By embracing the principles of Radical Candor – caring personally while challenging directly – and by applying the proven techniques from "Crucial Conversations" to create mutual purpose and safety, you'll transform the way you lead.
So, the next time that wee knot of discomfort appears, remember: Address the elephant in the room! Having those crucial conversations isn't just good for business; it's essential for everyone involved. Your team, your company, and even your own peace of mind will thank you for it.
Now go forth and have those conversations and if you want a hand to build your confidence first, then please get in touch.