STOP BEING SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN!
When there is “drama” in the workplace, it can take its toll on you as the leader as well as for everyone involved. I have recently been working with a leader who seemed to be consumed by the need to blame his team for everything that was going wrong. Although following his rants on what they were not doing, he openly revealed that his answer to this was to step in to the role of “fixer” to make the problem go away. It reminded me of Karpman’s Drama Triangle and so I thought I would share a little more about it in this month’s blog and share some self-reflection questions for you to work through.
Karpman's Drama Triangle is a psychological and social model that illustrates how people can unconsciously adopt three specific roles in conflict situations: the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer. These roles aren't fixed personality traits, but rather shifting positions individuals take up within a particular interaction. The triangle highlights how these roles are interconnected and perpetuate conflict, often preventing genuine problem-solving and healthy communication. Individuals within the triangle tend to operate from a place of feeling powerless or blaming others, rather than taking direct responsibility for their needs and boundaries. Understanding this dynamic is the first step towards helping leaders and their teams break free from these unproductive patterns.
Imagine Sarah, the leader of a small marketing team, notices that Mark, one of her direct reports, consistently misses deadlines. Sarah, feeling the pressure of the upcoming campaign, might step into the Persecutor role, criticizing Mark for his lack of organization and threatening disciplinary action. Mark, feeling attacked and overwhelmed, could then adopt the Victim role, complaining to a colleague about Sarah's unfairness and how he's always overloaded. Later, another team member, eager to smooth things over, might jump into the Rescuer role, offering to take on some of Mark's tasks, potentially enabling the cycle to continue without addressing the underlying issues of time management or workload distribution. In this scenario, no one is truly addressing the root cause of the missed deadlines, and the conflict remains unresolved, with the potential for resentment and further drama to unfold. Recognizing these roles in team dynamics empowers leaders to facilitate more constructive conversations focused on accountability and collaborative problem-solving.
Are you getting caught in the Drama Triangle when faced with conflict or challenging situations? Ask yourself these five questions.
Do I often feel helpless or blame others?
Am I quick to criticize or find fault?
Do I often step in to fix things for others, even if they don't ask?
Do I see the same conflicts happening again and again?
After a fight, do I feel worn out and like nothing really changed?
So how do you step away from the Drama and work towards a more positive outcome?
The antithesis to the Drama Triangle is the Winners' Triangle, which offers a pathway towards more constructive and empowered interactions. In this model, the Victim role transforms into the Vulnerable or Assertive individual, who takes responsibility for their needs and clearly communicates them. The Persecutor evolves into the Challenger, who sets healthy boundaries and offers direct, honest feedback without blame. Finally, the Rescuer shifts into the Coach, who offers support and guidance while empowering others to find their own solutions, rather than enabling dependence. The Winners' Triangle fosters mutual respect, open communication, and a focus on growth and resolution.
If we go back to our previous example now to see the difference. Instead of falling into the Drama Triangle, Sarah could have approached Mark from a Challenger stance, setting clear expectations and boundaries without resorting to criticism. She might have said, "Mark, I've noticed the deadline for the campaign materials is approaching, and some of your tasks are still outstanding. Let's discuss what's causing the delays and what support you need to get back on track." Mark, in turn, could have responded from a Vulnerable position, acknowledging the challenges he's facing and clearly communicating his needs, perhaps saying, "Sarah, I've been feeling overwhelmed with the current workload, and I'm struggling to prioritise effectively. Could we discuss my current tasks and see if there's any way to adjust them or get some additional support?" Instead of a colleague stepping in as a Rescuer, Sarah could then take on the role of a Coach, asking Mark clarifying questions, exploring time management strategies together, or helping him identify potential roadblocks and solutions. This approach fosters open communication, shared responsibility, and empowers Mark to develop his own problem-solving skills, ultimately leading to a more productive and less dramatic outcome.
And here are some self-reflection questions for moving you towards the Winners' Triangle:
From Victim to Vulnerable: What do I really need here? How can I say it clearly and take charge of my feelings? What's one small thing I can do for myself?
From Persecutor to Challenger: How can I give honest feedback kindly, focusing on what someone does? What rules or limits need to be clear? How can I challenge the problem, not the person?
From Rescuer to Coach: How can I support without taking over? What questions can help them solve it themselves? How can I help them learn to handle things?
By understanding both the Drama and Winners' Triangles, leaders can gain valuable insights into their own conflict patterns and learn to foster more empowered and productive interactions within their teams.
So next time you find yourself caught up in a drama, turn the triangle upside down!
Make the switch to Winner!