the let them theory

Now that the chatter about this book has quietened, I wanted to offer my perspective as this book has not been without its critics. Its been cited, amongst other things, as an oversimplification.  To me, the book’s simplicity is its strength, and I’d love to explain why.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to overshare and tell you about specific areas of poor leadership and complex personal relationships that this has helped me with.  I am going to pull out the key takeaways and address some of the criticisms I have read.

In an age where burnout is rapidly becoming the norm and digital life demands more from us than ever before, it’s no surprise that a phrase as simple as “let them” has captured the world’s attention. Mel Robbins’ The Let Them Theory, which has sold more than eight million copies globally, has struck a cultural nerve, topping international bestseller lists including The Sunday Times, The New York Times, Amazon and Audible.

What began as a viral TikTok concept evolved into a structured psychological framework, now explored in depth in Robbins’ bestselling book. The theory invites us to interrupt our instinct to manage, influence or interpret other people’s behaviour and instead reclaim our own emotional power. 

Why This Book Matters Now

Mel Robbins’ central argument is that much of our daily stress stems from trying to control what we cannot: other people’s behaviour, reactions, choices or opinions. In an era marked by constant connectivity and personalised feeds, we are more exposed to others’ decisions and more tempted to manage them than ever.

Robbins explains that “letting them” is not the same as condoning harmful behaviour or surrendering your boundaries. Rather, it is a mental reset button. When you feel frustrated, disappointed or triggered, saying the words “let them” creates a physical and emotional shift, often felt as a release of tension.

The theory encourages a simple but profound redirection:

“Focus your energy on what you can control: your own behaviour, your own reactions, your own life.”

 Key Takeaways:

Robbins’ framework may be simple, but beneath the surface lies a rich and empowering psychological shift. Below are some of the core principles that made me take notice when I read it.

Control Is an Illusion: Self‑Control Is Not

Robbins emphasises that people spend enormous amounts of time trying to manage the uncontrollable. The desire for control is deeply human, but it becomes harmful when directed outward rather than inward. She argues that by focusing on what others do, we give away our emotional autonomy.

The solution is not radical detachment but strategic refocusing. By accepting that you can’t steer someone else’s choices, you free yourself from unnecessary anxiety and reclaim energy for things that truly matter.

This echoes principles from others and in particular I am reminded of Victor Frankl’s teachings on the freedom of  choice and personal growth.

 “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to        choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." 

Acceptance Isn’t About Giving Up: It’s About Seeing Clearly

One of the most misunderstood elements of the Let Them Theory is the role of acceptance. Robbins clarifies that acceptance is not indifference. It is clarity.

• Let people show you who they are.

• Let situations unfold without over‑interpreting them.

• Let reality be what it is, rather than what you wish it to be.

This mindset helps dismantle the “potential fantasy”, the belief that someone would behave better if only you could influence them. In truth, people reveal their priorities through their actions. Letting them do so gives you important information that helps you decide your next steps.

Boundaries Become Easier When You Stop Over‑Functioning

The book draws attention to a behaviour many people don’t recognise in themselves: over‑functioning. This happens when you consistently:

• Give more than you receive

• Take emotional responsibility for others

• Step in to fix, rescue or soothe

• Overexplain or justify yourself

Robbins argues that over‑functioning creates relational imbalance, fuels resentment and keeps you locked in unhealthy dynamics. Using “let them” as a tool helps break these patterns by allowing natural consequences and clarity to emerge.

Rejection and Comparison Lose Their Sting

The book offers a refreshing perspective on rejection and comparison. Robbins explains that when you stop making other people’s actions mean something about you, both rejection and comparison lose their power.

Whether someone excludes you, misunderstands you, or chooses something or someone else, it’s their choice. The moment you stop assigning personal meaning to it, you reclaim emotional freedom.  I couldn’t agree with Mel more!

Let them.
Let them choose differently.
Let them reveal their priorities.
You get to choose your response.

Stress Reduction Through Detachment and Neutrality

It’s not always the big events that drain us, often it’s the micro‑annoyances. Robbins illustrates this through relatable examples, like encountering rude behaviour in public. Instead of escalating tension, she demonstrates how you can protect your own peace by adjusting your behaviour and letting the other person carry the weight of their choices. I have personally been challenged by this for several years following a particular family event and this book has really helped me see a fresh perspective.

This isn’t passivity; it’s strategic emotional regulation and I feel calmer for it.

The Second Half of the Phrase: “Let Me”

A powerful but often overlooked component is the companion practice: Let me.

• Let me take responsibility for what I can control.

• Let me protect my time and energy.

• Let me step back and observe.

• Let me choose emotional maturity over reactivity. [kirkusreviews.com]

Together, “let them” and “let me” create a grounded mindset rooted in agency, clarity and personal leadership.

Relationships Become Healthier and More Honest

Robbins does not shy away from discussing friendship breakups, romantic disappointments and difficult family dynamics. Her stance is clear: stop chasing people who do not meet you halfway. If someone consistently shows disinterest, disrespect or disengagement, let them. The clarity that emerges can be painful, but ultimately liberating.  There is no need to hold on to those relationships that are no longer giving you joy.

Healthy relationships don’t need to be forced.

Answering the Critics

Like I mentioned at the top of this review, despite its popularity, The Let Them Theory has attracted criticism. Here’s a balanced response to some of the concerns.

“It oversimplifies complex relationships.”

Some critics argue that the theory isn’t suitable for navigating sensitive situations, such as workplace power dynamics or family obligations. I didn’t read anywhere in the book that Robbin’s claims this book to be a universal fix. It is a book that shares a tool and that tool can help regulate emotion before engaging in more complex problem‑solving. It will not be the answer to every complex relationship but it can be a helpful start.

“It encourages disengagement.”

Some readers might worry that “letting them” could mean avoiding the crucial conversation. Robbins was explicit on this point: letting someone make their choices does not mean avoiding necessary conversations. Instead, it helps you enter those conversations from a centred, calm place. Holding crucial conversations is a key skill both personally and professionally and is a topic that often crops up in coaching conversations whether the person I am working with has read this book or not; many people avoid the tricky conversations!

“It’s too individualistic.”

This is a paraphrase of something that someone actually said to me. Someone I work with felt that the theory placed too much emphasis on self.  She didn’t go as far as to say it would make them selfish but that is the undertone I heard.  Emotional sovereignty is not selfishness. When people stop trying to control others, relationships often become more authentic, respectful and balanced.  From personal experience, the peace of mind that “letting them”  has given me was just the right kind of “selfish” It cleared some space in my head that other people were occupying.

Framework for Self‑Reflection, Not Perfection

When all is said and done this book is a framework for self-reflection, not perfection. Robbins is clear that the Let Them Theory is not a perfect or universal solution. It is a mindset shift. It works best as a tool for:

• Interrupting emotional spirals, encouraging emotional maturity

• Reducing unnecessary conflict

• Creating internal calm, freeing up mental bandwidth

• Making intentional choices

And because it is simple, it is sustainable.

I think that its success is not accidental, it is a timely piece of writing to support those that are tired of the relentless digital noise, the erosion of boundaries and heightened stress. People are desperate for tools that provide clarity and relief.

Robbins offers an accessible, memorable, quickly applicable method for shifting perspective. It is not a magic wand. But it is a mindset shift.

And most importantly it gives people permission to stop carrying what was never theirs to hold.  I know I have been happy to put some “stuff” down.

Here are 10 simple, work‑based coaching questions for leaders, all grounded in the principles of The Let Them Theory to get you started:

1. “What part of this situation is actually within your control?”

2. “If you applied a ‘let them’ mindset here, what would shift for you?”

3. “What are you trying to manage that may not be yours to manage?”

4. “How might things change if you focused on your response instead of their behaviour?”

5. “What does this person’s behaviour tell you about their priorities—and how can you work with that reality?”

6. “Where could stepping back create clarity or reduce pressure for you?”

7. “If you weren’t trying to influence their reaction, what would you choose to do next?”

8. “What boundary might help you stay effective in this situation?”

9. “How can you protect your time and energy while still delivering what’s needed?”

10. “What would ‘letting them’ look like in practice for you this week?”